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Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never a ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
Dictionary for Dogs
LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person
where you want him/her to go.
DOG BED: any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room
or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.
DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this
properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to
the floor, or better yet, on their laps.
SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as
close as you can to the other dog s rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several
times until your person makes you stop.
GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your
ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with
your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred,
beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.
BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat.
To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark
loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into
the bushes, and you prance away.
DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person wants them in
and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then
running in the opposite direction, or lying down.
THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain
amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the
danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and
following at their heels.
WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy
wrapper. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over
the house until your person comes home
SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run
up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.
BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and
themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.
LEAN: Every good dogs's response to the command "Sit !", especially if your
person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie
events.
BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh
cup of coffee or tea.
GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't get
the attention you require.....especially effective when combined with The Sniff.
See above.
Rules for Dogs:
1) When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions
with each other so there are still two dogs in the way.
2) The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other
dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the
middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food
and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
3) The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me
to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall
faster than you can run.
4) I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about
this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your
comfort. Look at videos of dogs sleeping - they can actually curl up in a
ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out
to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out
and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing
but doggy sarcasm.
5) My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
6) For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by
some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine and try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the
edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I
entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine
attendance is not mandatory.
7)The proper order is kiss me and then go smell the other dogs butt. I cannot
stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.
How to prepare for a new puppy
**Pour cold apple juice on the carpet in several places and walk around barefoot
in the dark.
**Wear a sock to work that has had the toes shredded by a blender.
**Immediately upon waking, stand outside in the rain and dark saying, "Be a good
puppy, go potty now -hurry up - come on, lets go!"
**Cover all your best suits with dog hair. Dark suits must use whitehair, and
light suits must use dark hair.
**Also float some hair in your first cup of coffee in the morning.
**Play catch with a wet slimy tennis ball.
**Run out in the snow in your bare feet in the middle of the night to close the
gate.
**Tip over a basket of clean laundry, scatter clothing all over the floor.
**Leave your underwear on the living room floor, because that's where
the dog will drag it anyway. (Especially when you have company.)
**Jump out of your chair shortly before the end of your favorite TV program and
run
to the door shouting, "No no! Do that OUTSIDE!" Miss the end of the program.
**Put chocolate pudding on the carpet in the morning, and don't try to clean it
up until you return from work that evening.
**Gouge the leg of the dinning room table several times with a screwdriver -it's
going to get chewed
on anyway.
**Take a warm and cuddly blanket out of the dryer and immediately wrap it around
yourself.
This is the feeling you will get when your puppy falls asleep on your lap.
Dead dog at the vet......A
guy walks into his vet's office with his dog in his arms and says, "Doc! You
gotta help me! Something's wrong with my dog!"
The vet examines the dog and says, "I'm sorry sir, but your dog is dead."
The guy begs him to PLEASE help his dog! They go back and forth like this until
the doctor finally says, "Wait here."
He returns a minute later with a cat. He puts the cat right up to the dog's face
and nothing happens. Then he brings in a Labrador Retriever. He puts the Lab
right up to the dog's face and nothing happens.
The guy gets all teary eyed and says "I guess you're right, he is dead. What do
I owe you?"
The doctor says, "$350. The guy says, "$350 to tell me my dog is dead?! Why so
much?!"
The doctor says, "$50 for the exam, $150 for the cat scan, and $150 for the lab
report."
HOW MANY DOGS DOES IT TAKE TO
CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole
lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Dachshund: You know I can't reach that damned stupid lamp!
Rottweiler: Make me.
Lab: Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh?
Huh? Huh? Can I?
Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and
furniture.
Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time
he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark......
Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover.....
Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there....
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle....
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb?
Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz
German Shepherd: I'm not trained to change bulbs, just to guard the house. So
don't try anything!
Cat: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So the question
is pointless.
THE DOGGIE
PLEDGE
I will not eat
the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
"Kitty box
crunchies" are not food.
The computer's
mouse is, unlike a real mouse, inedible.
I will not eat
the disposable diapers, especially the dirty ones.
I will not play
tug-o'-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet
I will not eat
any more socks and then re-deposit them in the backyard after processing.
I will not chew
my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
I will not chew
crayons or pens, 'specially not the red ones so my people will think I am dying.
I will not roll
on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
I will not wake
Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose in her ear.
I will not burn
rubber through the open car window and into the fast food restaurant, no matter
how good it smells.
I will not throw
up in the car.
I will not bite
the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car
registration.
When in the car,
I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
I must shake the
rainwater out of my fur *before* entering the house.
I will not drop
soggy tennis balls in the underwear of someone who is sitting on the toilet.
I will not steal
my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
The sofa is not a
face towel. Neither are Mom and Dad's laps.
We do not have a
doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
I do not need to
suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
My head does not
belong in the refrigerator.
I will not roll
my toys behind the fridge.
The garbage
collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
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The Top 20 Reasons Dogs Do
Not Use Computers..
20. Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.
19. Fetch command not available on all platforms.
18. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
17. Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.
16. Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."
15. Fire hydrant icon is very frustrating.
14. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www .
pethouse.com instead of working.
13. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG Frisbee.
12. Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
11. Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging.
10. Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.
9. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome.
8. 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...
7. Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
6. SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
5. SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!
4. Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to maneuver.
3. Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master's.leg.
2. Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.
.........and the Number 1 Reason Dogs Do Not Use Computers...
1. TrO{gO DsA[M,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,.*
DOG PROPERTY LAWS
1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically
becomes mine.
10. If it's broken, it's yours.
How Dogs and Men are the
Same:
Both take up too much space on the bed.
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
Both mark their territory.
Neither tells you what's bothering them.
The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
Neither does any dishes.
Both fart shamelessly.
Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
Both like dominance games.
Both are suspicious of the postman.
Neither understands what you see in cats.
How Dogs are Better than
Men:
Dogs do not have problems expressing
affection in public. Dogs miss you when you're gone.
Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong. Dogs admit when they're
jealous.
Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
Dogs do not play games with you- - except fetch (and they never laugh at how you
throw.)
You can train a dog.
Dogs are easy to buy for.
The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas.(OK, the really worst
disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you
can kill the one that gives it to you).
Dogs understand what "no" means.
Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
The Top Ten Reasons Why a Dog
Is Better than a Woman:
10. A dog's parents will
never visit you.
9. A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.
8. A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.
7. A dog never expects you to telephone.
6. A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.
5. A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.
4. A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog.
3. A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.
2. The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.
...And the number one reason why a dog is better than a woman:
1. A dog does not shop.
Top Ten Reasons Why
Dogs Are Better Than Men:
10. Dogs don't feel
threatened by your intelligence.
9. Dogs are already in touch with their inner puppies.
8. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
7. Dogs think you are a culinary genius.
6. You can house train a dog.
5. Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.
4. Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
3. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
2. Dogs don't care whether or not you shave your legs.
1. Dogs obsess about you as much as you obsess about them.
You know your a dog person when.........All
dates must pass your dog's inspection
All of your clothes have dog hair on them, even when they
come back from the laundromat or dry cleaners.
You get birthday cards for each of your dogs from family,
friends, and the vet. (Bonus if you keep them on the refrigerator for more
than a month.)
Every gift you ever get has something to do with dogs
Kiss your dog more than 10 times per greeting.
All your non-dog friends know to dress down when visiting your house
Books and movies are ruined for
you if the dog references are incorrect.
Onlookers grimace at the sight of you sharing your sandwich with your
four-legged pal, bite for bite
Call long distance and talk with your dog.
Dog hair in food is just another spice.
If you are cold, you put a sweater on your dog.
Any conversation you're having is effortlessly directed back to
the topic of dogs
90 percent of your Internet connection time goes to the dogs (seeing what's
new when you enter your breed into the browser, reading up on multiple
lists, checking out photos, sounds and faqs, etc.).
All kinds of things around the house are in need
of repair, but the injured
dog you rescued by the side of the road requires immediate surgery and out
comes the checkbook
All of your charitable donations go to
dog-related and humane society
groups.
All of your furniture came to you second hand or
via curbside discard, but
your dog crates are top of the line, industry premium.
All your social activities revolve around other
dog people
Your voice is recognized by your vet's receptionist
And after 3 and a half hours of grooming you let
that beautiful creature out
to go potty before bedtime and he turns and looks back at you, all clean and
pretty, he smiles a little smile that warms your heart so deeply that words
can never say. A picture you will remember forever. When the dog comes back
in you realize he has been rolling in the dead bird/squirrel you thought you
carefully buried that morning.
Anyone can look at your (pick all that apply)
--- T-shirt - sweatshirt -
coffee mug - keychain - beach towel - cooking apron - couch throw - tote
bag - computer screen saver/wallpaper/mouse pad/wrist pad/monitor frame - gift
wrapping paper - photographic displays - calendars - refrigerator magnets -
weather vane - door mat - bumper stickers - umbrella - Christmas sweater -
socks - embroidery project - child's collection of stuffed animals - sheets
and bedspread - checks - checkbook covers - throw pillows - Home Pages ---
and know immediately that you are a dog lover, AND probably what particular
breed you favor.
At least three of your five weeks vacation are
scheduled around grooming,
vaccinations and dental cleaning...all for the dogs!
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